WRITTEN TESTIMONIALS

When you are gradually recovering from psychosis, it is hard at first to admit that you have gained a little weight, or a lot. It is hard even to realize that you have slowed down, that you need time—a lot of time—to recover. At times, you think you are cured instantly. And when you're not in outright denial, you refuse to believe that those abilities will come back—that you will be able to follow a conversation for hours, read a whole book in a few days, or study for an exam and pass with flying colours... things you used to do so easily. You don't believe it. But after 5 years of remission without relapse, of stability and personal growth, you realize that not only have you recovered all of that, but that you are changed, as if for the better. You know yourself much better, and you no longer make the same mistakes.

One of the hardest things for me to accept was not being able to go back to how things were “before.” At first I kept trying to take up the same activities, hang out with the same friends, and get back the same boyfriend I had left more than a year before. Stubborn, I didn't want to accept anything else. Yet, little by little, I made room for new things in my life. For 4 years, I let myself discover new interests, a new program of study that I love, new friends... maybe fewer friends, but only real friends who share my values. And you end up finding someone who understands you and doesn't put the same pressure on you as before. In my opinion, the watchword is to keep an open mind.

If I look at myself before and compare myself to now, I used to act on impulse a lot—I was very impulsive—but now... my decisions are much more thought through. Before I take something on, I really assess the situation. I'm much calmer than I was. The result was that I used to take on things I could not finish, then I would be disappointed and down, and I would lose confidence in myself. Now I take on things that are relatively easier but that I succeed at, and that builds my confidence, and then I take on new things. The episode I experienced allowed me to know myself better, yes, but also to develop better habits and more positive attitudes.

Head above water

"It is not abnormal to feel anger, sadness, fear, or shame; the problem is being overwhelmed by them." -Dr. Christophe André

Yes, I gained close to 60 pounds in 1 year, due to the depression itself and the medication. But I lost them all in a little less than 3 years and I'm now 2x fitter than before, and above all I eat better in general. I have quit smoking and I rarely drink. I developed a strong interest in working out and nutrition, and that... "thanks" to psychosis! You have to see everything that happens to you from a positive angle, and to do that you have to step back. A lot of perspective—months or even years. And that is when you realize how far you have come.  

When you take a medication that has lifelong side effects such as weight loss and problems with concentration and memory, the idea of taking less, or of stopping it, comes to everyone sooner or later. We tell ourselves that by going gradually, we will be able to stay in control of any symptoms and adjust course. I had to learn that the hard way. I gradually started to reduce one of my medications (Seroquel), which was only one of the medications I was taking. What I had not taken into account was everything else. I lost a lot of weight at that time, I started exercising a lot and changing my diet. I also went back to school, which was an added source of stress. I told myself that lithium alone would be enough to protect me. Well, no. A few months later, I went to Clinique JAP myself to tell them about my very elevated mood, my trouble sleeping, and thoughts that were racing faster and faster in a disordered way. If I have one thing to say, it is not that you should always accept your current doses and never try to change them. That said, doing it by talking to your doctor, as I later did, is ALWAYS a better idea. And what surprised me most afterwards was how open my treatment team was to changing the medications and trying different dosages, under supervision.

What is hard about psychosis is that nothing is clear, nothing is obvious... It has nothing to do with what we see in the movies. It takes time to diagnose, it's very subtle and it takes someone who is very sensitive to small signs and really listens, and I think that is where early intervention and seeking help made a difference for my son, because the earlier we treat, the more we stack the odds in our favour.